The Agony of My Soul
I am hurt.
I am pain.
I am despair.
I am lost and alone.
I cry out in anguish, and none here my screams.
I reach out to you, and you cross the street.
My eyes meet yours, and you turn away.
I ask for help, and you send me away.
I am the fallen.
I am the homeless.
I am the misunderstood.
I am the widowed and divorced.
If help came it was to little too late.
If help came it was given grudgingly.
If help came it was too superficial.
If help came it was after the need had passed.
I had a need to be understood, where was your compassion?
I had a need for forgiveness, all I got were accusations.
I had a need to be held, and got pushed away.
I had a need for love, and all I got was anger and hate.
I am the forgotten, and misplaced.
I am one of those that fell between the cracks.
I am one of the lost no one wishes to find.
I am a wounded soul who fell away from the path.
A Short Biography
R. B. (Ronald Brian) Chandler was born on September 6, 1953 in Denver, Colorado. He did not have the best of childhoods and ran away from home when he was 15. As one of the Children-of-the-Night he knows all the dark images that term can conjure up because he hs lived them. He survived better than most hitchhiking back and forth across the country (45,000 miles).
He joined the army when he was 18, and spent 5 years in the service playing war games. When he got out of the Army Ron returned to his life on the road for a short time (15,000 miles worth) to really see the country as few have seen it.
He went to work for Six Gun Territory of Florida in 1978 where he later became a stuntman. In 1979 the whole stunt crew was suppose to go to Las Vegas, and go to work at Old Vegas. Ron was the only one that made it, and there was no job waiting as expected. He went to work on one of the docks on Lake Mead, and worked part time doing stunts on the weekends. In 1980 he got a full-time stunt job working at Old Nevada just outside of Las Vegas. They went bankrupt in 1981.
Ron moved back to Florida in 1983 and went to work for Silver Springs as a reptile handler and tour guide. He holds the record for the worst alligator bite in the park's history and had to have his hand reattached. He had a friend that worked for the Salvation Army offer him a job shortly after he got bit. Ron took him up on it.
In 1986 Ron moved back to Colorado and went to work for Dairy Queen and became one of the best Dairy Queen cake decorators in the Denver area. After 7 years of doing the same job he was ready for a change and new challenges.
Ron moved to Arcosanti, AZ in 1992 to study construction and drafting and went to work as the town's maintenance engineer. He still lives and works at Arcosanti.
These are just the highlights of his life. We've left out most of the small details and some of the darker moments of his life as a homeless person and his life in the fast lane. How many lifetimes can one person cram into one life? How many times has he had to start his life all over from scratch, he doesn't care to keep count. Every time, like the phoenix, Ron rises up out of the ashes of his previous life to a new and better life. He is living proof that you can't keep a good man down. Life has been his teacher, and the inspiration for most of his writings and his art.
Life and the scriptures have ever be been my teacher and inspiration. Below are some of the things that life has taught me. - R. B. Chandler
There are many people who start down a path only latter to find that they wish they never got on the path to begin with. But, often the choice was not truly theirs. Forced on to a path where the cost of survival are bits and pieces of yourself; your dignity, your self respect and self worth, and sometimes your body and soul. Sometimes, if you can get off the path, you can get some of what you lost back. But, you can never regain the innocents you once had, and somewhere in the back of your mind there is a small bit of doubt and anger that remain. No matter how much of yourself you can reclaim you are never the same as you were before you started down the path.
~~~
Feel the world around you. Don't just look at it, feel it. Feel the wind, become a part of it, let it blow through you and lift you up. Feel the leaves on the trees as they rock in the wind. The animals, do you feel them as well? I am the air, the wings of a butterfly stir a part of me. In a moment, I am the butterfly riding the morning wind. I grow tired and hungry and land on a tree branch to rest and look for food. I am the tree, an old, old, old oak. I reach out to the sun with my leaves and reach deep into the earth for water. When you can tell me what the tree is thinking, then you will be a part of the Earth.
~~~
A good dream does little good if that is all it is, a dream. A good plan does nothing if all it does is sit on the drawing table. Action by itself is of little consequence and wanders aimlessly about. But, put them all together, and the dream becomes, a plan, which in turn gives, action, a direction to go. If the dream is good, then things get built and the accomplishments of man take another step forward. If the dream is evil then people get hurt, or worst, along the way, and progress stops.
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All things come to those who wait, but you can wait too long. Procrastination, putting off today what you can do tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes. I can wait, I'll do it tomorrow, can't it wait, wait a minute, latter, etc. The world is filled with sayings to put things off. How much of life has passed us by because we put it off? How many opportunities have been lost because we waited too long? We must change the way we think, hence, all things come to those who are ready to take action. We must think, I'll do it now, or we might put off something that is really important.
~~~
Love is a bonding of two people and an acceptance of who each of those people are right now. Love is the desire to change for the other person. Love never takes advantage. Love forgives and understands. Love is taking little steps together. Love will place the welfare of the other above your own. Love is giving of yourself, body and mind, completely, to fill the needs of the other, but not at the expense of your soul. Love is working together for a common goal, while encouraging the other to reach their personal best in whatever they endeavor to do. Love is what can happen to a man and a woman when they go beyond friendship. Anything less than this is just lust, infatuation, or desire.
~~~
God is in everything and He is in nothing. God is the father of all things. He is a part of us and we are a part of him. He has a form like you and me, but unlike us his understanding and knowledge is complete. He has tapped the flow of the universe and bent it to do his will. He is bound by laws and works through laws which we as yet do not understand. Hampered by a physical form his mind is free to explore the eternal and swim in the flow of the universe, becoming one with all that is, has been, or will be. He sees all, hears all, and feels all. How can anyone comprehend the nature of the Father of all things? The best we can hope for is glimpses of the eternal nature of things and hope that will give us insight into certain aspects of the Father.
~~~
You can find lessons in life everywhere, if you're willing to look. You can gain wisdom from the wind as it blows through the leaves of a tree, or in a question from a child. How much knowledge has passed us by because we weren't looking for it in our hurry to do something or to be somewhere? Move fast, but do not hurry. Take time to ponder life daily. Learn to look for all the little lessons in life. Do this and you will be surprised at all the wisdom and knowledge you can find.
~~~
Truth an unchangeable force. You cannot go around it and it won't be stopped. You cannot change it and it will not be bent. It will stand for us and against us in the last day.
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When you have answered the question before it has been asked. When you choose right before you reach the crossroads. When you choose perfection as your path and your choices are made beforehand; the only thing left is, right actions, waiting for the proper moment to happen.
~~~
When you can let your heart be your guide in all things. When you can feel and think with your heart. When you can judge others with your heart and see the good in them no matter the wrong. When you can see and hear with your heart. When you can give from the heart. When you can do these things you will know the meaning of true love and the world will have no hold on you.
A little something inspired by some of the ladies who have little broken pieces of my heart. I could have loved you, I wanted to love you, but it always seems like I was in the right place at the wrong damn time.
- R. B. Chandler
Uncomfortable Silence
A quite pause stretches seemingly into eternity.
The words I wanted to say, I dare not say, stick in my throat.
The moment stretches on turning seconds into hours, minutes into days.
Words fill my head and threaten to spill over into the real world.
The moment passes into the next and the next and the next.
Still, my tongue cannot find the words that fill my heart.
The moment comes and goes as do you, fading into the night like the words I wanted to say.
I cannot stop you from going; I have no words to make you want to stay.
This is just one of many such moments that has ended in silence, my silence, your silence.
All my fears come together and choke the life from my words.
There you sit and here I stand in an awkward moment of silence that screams louder than anything I could have said.
Like so many others, should I whisper sweet nothings in you ear that would make you heart beat faster with the anticipation of promises I never intend to keep?
No, I am not made that way, and so the moment slips away with words unsaid, feelings unspoken.
Perhaps, somehow, it is better this way; I do not love you, I could love you, I want to love you.
In that moment, what words could I say that you have not heard before?
I will not fill the silence with words I do not mean and promises I will not keep simply to fulfill my desire.
So, I let the moment pass in uncomfortable silence.
~~~
Where are the Words?
The wind blows through the trees gently stirring the golden leaves and I ponder the future.
Dazed by a single beautiful creation of God’s I stare blankly out the window.
Life is out of focus and I can’t see beyond the fog that drifts lazily through my mind.
My mind wanders from the path I have set searching for new words to touch the soul of an angel.
Ever so gently I proceed groping blindly as though I am walking barefoot on glass with my eyes closed.
Heaven never seemed so close and yet it’s so far beyond my grasp it’s like reaching for the sun.
Ever so slowly I search for just the right words, frighten that you might fly away beyond my reach.
What are the words that would whisper to a heart and warm the soul from head to toe?
Blinded by an angel’s charm I stumble over my own inadequacies and worthlessness as a man.
Haunted by my past, I dare to dream an impossible dream that would take me beyond the stars.
The miserable cold dreary grey morning rain mirrors the agony I feel as I wait for the words to come.
Words that give me some hope of obtaining the impossible as I reach for Heaven’s gate.
Now, I sit here straining to find the magical words that would give me the key to unlock that gate.
Words that would let me slay the dragon and free the beauty trapped behind a glass wall.
What things could I say that would take root and give a heart wings to fly beyond the moon?
Where do I find the words to express things that can only be found in true love’s kiss?
A kiss filled with such passion that it bridges the gap between Heaven and Hell and destroys the very fabric of time.
Where in Heaven or on Earth could I find such words?
What could I say that would make an angel want to set aside her wings to walk by my side?
I sit and ponder what it would take to create a bridge in cyberspace that would translate across the distance between us in real space.
Slow stacking blocks, block upon block, precariously balanced, I hold my breath least one wrong word brings them all crashing down.
Words, my salvation or my doom, but they are all I have as though I were a million miles away alone on a storm tossed sea; a beacon of safety calling me home, or a siren sweetly singing, drawing me farther out to sea.
All I can do is pray to the Father of land and sea to guide me and show me the way home.
So here I sit staring blankly at my computer screen searching for perfect words to give to you hoping they are the right words.
Words like flowers to surround you with beauty and sweet perfume to tantalize your senses and warm your heart.
I search for just the right words to make you open your eyes and see the door that opens into another world filled with enchantment where all your dreams can come true.
But, the words elude me like shadows in the night.
They mock me and taunt me and take me places I have never gone remaining ever just beyond my grasp, like heaven, like an angel, like a dream.
I am in sweet agony, lost, dazed, confused, and searching for just the right words hoping I never wake from this dream.
Where are the words when I need them?
~~~
She Just Walked Away
She just walked away. Vanished into the night that formed around me when she took away the light that kept me going day after dreary day. Would it have helped if I told her I loved her? Who can say? All I know is that without looking back she just walked away.
There were no long goodbyes or sad farewells. The sun was there one moment and I was plunged into darkness the next. Now I sit in an empty world devoid of color. Life has gone out of me and I drift in darkness surrounded by a vacuum sucking away what little life is left to me one molecule at a time. All I can remember now is how she just walked away.
A single word and my heart would have belonged to her. At her command I would have cut the beating muscle from my chest and laid it at her feet. But, there was nothing that could be said. There was only silence as she just walked away.
Months have come and gone and still the sun has not come out from behind the clouds. My world is still colored with shades of gray. I can still see her face every time I close my eyes. It is though she took my heart with her when she just walked away.
Part of me would have her send my heart back. The other part would let her keep it. Now that she is gone I have no real need for it anyway. With each beat of my heart I remember that day hoping that it was all a dream and that I'd wake up and she'd still be here. But no, she just walked away.
